Chips on the Brain

I suppose you’re wondering where I’ve been for the past week. Well it’s pretty simple to explain. You see I had a microchip implanted in my brain. That’s right, a microchip. The chip runs at a hundred terahertz and can do fifty petaflops...whatever that is. It’s got like a billion gigs of RAM too, and it’s gonna use the power of my brain to run its circuits. It can use the energy from foods like broccoli and corn, but it gets the most energy from sugar. So I’m gonna need more sugary drinks and chocolate to keep myself running at peak performance. There’s a whole lot of extra energy in your brain, and normally it’s busy working on important things like video games and cartoons, but sometimes it’s just being wasted on...like digestion and heartbeats and stuff.

The technology is still in experimental stages so there was a lot of testing they had to do, and most of the features are not turned on. When it gets fully-activated I’ll be able to calculate equations with lightning speed so I can do cool things like do giant math problems and hack computers. They’ll even give me a lab coat, cause I’ll be super smart. I’ll get super reflexes so I’ll see everything happening in slow-motion. Then I can do super-fast ninja moves, and dodge bullets just like in those John Woo movies. I’ll have super hearing. I’ll be able to hear a butterfly fart a mile away. I don’t know what a butterfly’s fart sounds like, but I’m sure it’ll be awesome! I’ll also get super vision. I’ll be able to see in the dark, and through walls, and through people’s clothes. But, I won’t just get to see people without their clothes; I’ll get to see them without their skin and organs, cause skeletons are sweet. It’ll be cool, but what’s even cooler is that I’ll be able to shoot laser beams out of my eyes! I can take down bank robbers with my super neato eye beams! But, all this stuff isn’t turned on yet so I won’t see any of that until it gets activated.

Now you might think that this was a long and complicated process to get the chip put in, and if I were getting this done a few years ago then it would’ve been. Installations with earlier subjects required drilling a hole in the head, or removing part of the skull. This is no longer the case, because new advances in medical bionics and nanotechnology have allowed the scientists to install the complete assembly piece-by-piece up through the nose. You may think that sounds stupid, however I can assure you that the nasal cavity has a direct link to the brain. This is why you sneeze after inhaling the pollen from a flower, because it’s tickling the underside of the brain. During the installation I ran the risk of destroying a thousand-dollar’s worth of expensive bionic parts, due to the fact that I could sneeze at any moment. You have no idea how powerful the human respiratory system is, because when you sneeze it shoots air out at a thousand miles per hour. Pretty impressive, huh?

When it’s fully operational I’ll have a super fantastic neural interface, but for right now I have to use the included keyboard, which is conveniently located in my nasal cavity. So the next time you see me with my finger up my nose don’t panic. I’m just using my computer.