Geriatricat: The Six-Million-Dollar Grandmother

Our story begins on a cold and windy Thanksgiving Day, in a little pocket of West Village. The gentle snow that fell upon the city streets the night before was now crushed into a slurry of water, ice, and filth like the residue from a dirty snow cone machine. A mixture of heroes, villains, and innocent bystanders crowded the streets; all trying to shield their faces from the stinging slap of winter’s breath. Up on the thirteenth floor of the Astro Retirement Community building the feeling was much different. The warm aroma of roast beef, mashed potatoes, mixed vegetables, and freshly baked rolls filled every corner of Jackie Hennessey’s modest apartment. Her elderly hands prepared every portion with utmost precision and care. Her love for her family reigned above all else.

“Meow,” a little voice cried out. Jackie looked down at the floor to find her faithful feline companion, Miss Kitty.

“Oh, you shouldn’t be in here right now, Miss Kitty. It’s much too crazy. I’ll see you in a few minutes at the dinner table,”

“Meow,” Miss Kitty said as she wandered back into the living room. Jackie swiftly popped her head out of the kitchen.

“Dinner’s almost ready!” she shouted from a sweltering kitchen.

“Mom, Billy’s touching me,” a six-year-old voice shouted.

“Billy, don’t touch your sister,” said a motherly voice.

Jackie resumed her furious preparations, desperately trying to mix the hollandaise sauce in time. This was her special béarnaise blend. Two eggs, butter, vinegar, shallots, chervil, tarragon, crushed peppercorns, and cayenne pepper make a delicious sauce for a variety of different dishes. She sprinkled some more cayenne pepper into the pot, however the loose lid slipped off and the entire jar fell in. Desperate to salvage her prized creation she grabbed her metal spoon, attempting to scoop out the extra cayenne pepper. When the spoon hit the inner side of her cast-iron pot a small spark appeared, activated the excessive cayenne pepper, and erupted into massive fireball. The explosion propelled Jackie out the kitchen window and down to the street thirteen floors below, fourteen if you count the mezzanine. Such a fall would kill any normal person, however Jackie was a fighter.

They rushed Jackie’s broken and mutilated body to the hospital.

“Your mother will need extensive surgery, however even after that she may never have use of most of her body again,” a mournful Doctor Nichols said with a defeated face.

Mister Hennessey and his family were grief-stricken. How could they afford such extensive operations? And how would the kids handle grandma as a potential vegetable for the rest of her life?

“So there’s no chance of her to lead a normal life again?” he asked mournfully.

“There may be…one other way,” the doctor replied. “I know someone who is performing an experimental procedure. I do not know the details, however I believe it involves genetics and cybernetics. Fortunately he is in this very hospital,”

“Doctor… Hefferher?” Mister Hennessey asked.

“Hertzchelsur!” A voice shouted from behind a large pile of books.

“Oh, uh. Doctor Nichols referred me to you. He said you may be able to help my mother, who’s been in a terrible accident.”

“Yes I already read her file. It was a hollandaise sauce explosion you say? Damn! Why don’t they put warning labels on cayenne pepper?! Many more accidents could be prevented! But I digress. Yes, I believe I can help her with a process I call Bionic Feliocision. I use cybernetic parts and the DNA of cats. We can make her better… stronger… faster… and you won’t have to pay out of pocket.” The doctor explained.

“What? Free? Oh hell yeah!” Mister Hennessey said, and so the procedure was carried out as soon as possible.

Doctor Her.. Hertz… Doctor H. remained in surgery for over eight hours, never once leaving the room. Finally, he arose from the operation room. His smock was drenched in blood and motor oil. He held his fists in the air.

“It’s alive! IT’S ALIVE!!” he shouted through the hall. “There was not much I could work with there,” the good doctor said. “Almost her entire body was smashed from the fall. I’m surprised she survived long enough to get to the hospital.”

Out from the operation room walked Jackie Hennessey, except she was no longer the sweet old little lady that her family knew. Now she was a sleek and sexy war machine, with more curves than a Maserati. Her pale skin was now armor plating with advanced ballistic protection. What once were gentle elderly hands now were powerful claws. The only natural part of Jackie left was her head. She now had cat ears, whiskers, and a long furry tail.

The family was mortified. What has this mad doctor done to their beloved grandmother? But Miss Kitty, Jackie’s faithful tabby, recognized her best friend immediately and jumped into Jackie’s arms.

“You see? Miss Kitty knows it’s me,” Jackie said, “I am thankful for this new life. However, I must use these powers for good. I must help people.”

“Wait a minute!” her thankful son shouted out. “You’re still cooking, right?”

“Yes, of course,” Jackie replied. “But I think I’ll take my time in the kitchen from now on.”

With her faithful companion, Miss Kitty, Jackie now fights the forces of evil for the good of the elderly. She is now Geriatricat: The Six-Million-Dollar Grandmother!